Torn Between Worlds.

Seeing as I'm on a holiday vacation back in my hometown, I've made it a point to visit some of my closest friends and family. It seems that every time I return I'm always given the question of whether I've chosen to remain in Ontario or if I'll ever return to Alberta.

The truth is, my life has taken me on many journeys and I haven't decided on where I want to settle. I think I'm a bit young to be thinking like that. I mean, sure, if I was completely on my ass and my only option was to move back to my parent's home, then of course I would do that. I miss my family, my dogs and my very good friends a lot when I'm gone but that doesn't mean that I haven't established close relationships elsewhere.

I had lived in Calgary for a good, solid 20 years and I have made some of the best connections I will ever make. I've lived in Ontario for 4 years and I'm growing, learning and doing a lot of things that I probably never would have had the opportunity to do in Alberta. I've also become really good friends with certain people and consider some of the friendships I've made lifelong relationships.

It's hard making that decision and being torn between two places where I've grown and evolved. Even then, these two places aren't my only options for future settlement either. I'm glad and overwhelmed however by the amount of love and support that my friends from both ends of the country have given me. It's uplifting to know that people really care about you and want you around!

One thing about being torn between these two worlds is definitely how grateful I am about how advanced our technology has become. It doesn't matter what city, which part of the country or even if I'm in a different part of the world I'm in; technology and social networking has ensured that my relationships don't fall of the wagon and that I can continue to maintain my communications with everyone I know and love. 

On Dogs and Death

Anyone who knows me well knows that I absolutely love dogs and that I especially could not wait until I got to see my pups during my trip to Calgary to visit family and friends. When I first moved to Ontario the only thing I really was upset by was leaving my three wonderful companions behind who, always, greeted me happily every day. With that in mind, I didn't really expect that this trip would be the last time that Nicky would greet me at the gate and lick my hand. It's almost eerie how he held on until I came back just so he could tell me hello...and goodbye.

Nicky was one of the craftiest, smartest dogs I knew. He had a way around everything and would like to go on adventures. He'd always find a way to jump the fence or dig under it just so he could play with the neighbourhood dogs. You would have never imagined that he was as old as he was as he was always spry, youthful and playful as a puppy.

The worst part of this ordeal is that we adopted Nicky very close to when we adopted another dog, Cleo. They grew up together and were inseparable and you can only imagine the heartbreak that Cleo is going through without her brother. I'm doing what I can for her - keeping her company, but no one's cried more than she did.

Losing Nicky... it's a big loss for our family. In the end, I'm happy that I was able to spend most of his life with him and that I could see him before he finally passed away. I'll always love him and the way he would jump on me and knock me over.

Rest In Peace.

Who, What, When, Where, Why?

This video is one of the most powerful videos I've ever watched. It's one that speaks to me so loudly - it's fresh, creative, and it sums up that one word so wonderfully. I'm known not to be a very emotional person and I admit that I don't cry much, but this video has a profound effect on me. I get a little glassy-eyed.

I think everyone has those five people. I certainly have had a Who, What, When, Where and Why. Although my story, as all stories, greatly differ from the one portrayed in this video, I can't help to reflect on my previous relationships and how they've affected my life.

I have some amazing memories and some bad ones. I've hurt some really good people and I've been hurt. But every single person has taught me something different about love and mostly, about myself. I don't think I'll ever be the same girl I ever was but at the same time, that girl never really leaves...

...You could say that When I loved were the first moments - my naivety. My first kiss happened when I chased a boy around the school playground. Being a child is freedom and as an adult, I feel lost sometimes and wonder what happened to that girl who chased that boy. I just went for it without a second thought. When I loved was a time where daydreams of childhood crushes, love and innocence were in full bloom.

Who I loved? Someone who was close to me. Someone who I consider still to be very close even though the distance stretched far. They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder, and it can be true... However the worst of it is when your heart aches so much when that person is hurting and you just can't be there. I can certainly say that distance is not Where I loved.

Where I loved is difficult for me. I fall in love with new places and experiences. But I have to say that Where is a home. Not all love has to be romantic or just between two people. Where is the place I will always have and can always go back to. Whether it's this bedroom in this tiny apartment with two of my closest friends or across the country in my parent's house with my dogs. Where is a place that is always warm.

What I loved is probably the only only one person I have related to this video I've shared with you all. The person who I really cared for, who has always been there for me, comforted me through the hardest of times. I remember a dark place in my life and telling What I loved how alone I felt, to which they replied "I love you... isn't that enough?" Nothin had touched me or opened my eyes so much than those words but like this video, no matter how much we cared for each other, it was never quite enough for us to leave those we were with behind.

With everything said in this simple entry, I can't leave out Why. So much could be said here. Why do you love? I was close to losing my life once. Why I love is every friend, family and lover I have, had, or will have. Why I love is every single person in my life. But if I were to narrow this category down... Why is the person I feel like I hurt the most. It taught me a really true lesson that I needed to be a better person. Not only did I really need to be a better person to those around me but I really needed to become a better person to myself too. Why taught me that even though I was a teenager, I was still responsible for my actions. Why taught me that if I wanted love, that I needed to learn how to love myself. How will you know how to love another person if you can't find love for yourself first, after all?

I haven't found the Last yet. I'm not in any hurry, either. People will come and go from my life and the lessons will remain. One day, I'll find the Last and even then, the journey will continue...

Finding Sanctuary

In lieu of my first post, I thought in sharing that story that completely changed my entire life that I'd write something about how I came to be here, in the present moment.

The Present Moment.

I recently took up practicing yoga and those words have echoed from teacher to teacher. It's something I feel like everyone struggles with when they think of how they can self-improve. Some people look to the past and continue to live in that time and space but I know many people who struggle with worrying about the future. What category do I fall in?

I always get asked how I've dealt with such a traumatic event. How am I always so happy and healthy and energetic? And in honesty, I can't really come up with a clear answer. Some days it's not as easy as that. I try and roll with the punches, go with the flow and yes, live in the present moment, as much as I can. I surround myself with loving people and positive energy whenever I really can but I struggle just like everyone else.

Some nights I go to bed and cry. Or I have days (weeks, even) where I struggle to completely be in a good head-space. My inspiration spirals downwards - I can't draw, write, or make music. Some days I feel like I can't do anything at all and as frustrating as it is for me, it's okay. Sometimes you need to feel absolutely awful before things get better. It's a mental detox, so to speak. You're getting rid of the poison in your life and sometimes you'll get sick before you get better. But when you get better it's like a unicorn shot a rainbow out of it's horn and there's a plethora of cute bunnies and puppies at the end.

There's this traumatic event that constantly hangs over my head. I always say I'll probably never find closure for it. I haven't, yet. How do you even define closure? What does it consist of? I really, really don't know. You could argue that perhaps, I have already found it, but I don't feel like I have. Instead, I live with it and try not to let it rule my life - and it hasn't. You take what has happened to you and make it an experience to better yourself.

My sanctuary, is my now, my present moment, my well-being and health. My sanctuary is love in my friends and family and love in myself. Something bad happened to me and although I get sad and angry at what happened sometimes, I let myself feel those things and then realize that what came out of it was a better, stronger person who found out that she was more loved than she ever imagined she could ever be.

Five Years Later...

Five years ago, something awful happened to me. I think about how I was at the wrong place at the wrong time and I relive the scenario wondering if there was something I could have done to prevent this from happening to myself. I know that there's nothing that I could have done, that I wasn't at fault for anything.... but sometimes I wonder.

Five years ago, I was making my way to a dance event at a university which my friends had invited me to come see. I had a ride up to the closest LRT station and made my way to downtown where I could transfer trains and meet up with my friends. I stood there with my iPod playing music and noticed in the corner of my eye a strange, dirty looking man in his middle ages looking at me and a wave of uncertainty washed over me.

The train finally came and I rushed into the car full of people, relieved... only until I saw that he got into the same car and was still staring directly at me. I moved away from him and impatiently waited to get off at my stop. Upon arriving at my destination I moved quickly and tried to stick to walking closely to groups of people. My headphones were still on, but my music was turned off. I looked around once, noticing that he wasn't around and briskly tried to make my way to the event where I knew, I would be safe surrounded by the company of a crowd of people and close friends. The groups I were moving behind quickly dispersed and I noticed the sun striking the shadows on the ground... a shadow that did not belong to me was quickly approaching me.

The next thing I know I was thrown to the ground, punches were being thrown in my face and I was being told by this disgusting old man to "shut up" as I was screaming for anyone to help me. I was trying to hit him back but being so small, his strength was outweighing mine. I remember a hand going up my skirt and trying to pull down my underwear - it was humiliating. I'm only thankful that he failed.

In reality, this was happening to me in a matter of minutes (10, perhaps?) - it's so strange thinking about how quickly and how slowly all of this happened. The last thing I remember of him is that his horrible person running for their lives and through blurred vision, a man asking me if I was okay and what my name was. We searched for my glasses, called my friend Jenny who I knew was going to the event and was therefore, close by.

I was brought into a room, where Jenny tried to comfort me and called my father. I saw him briefly before I entered an ambulance, brought to the hospital where I waited, was examined, questioned by police, visited by my family and friends and hours later, was released.

At the time of this event, I was 19, and for the next year, the Canadian courts and justice system kept me on my toes. I was given a police report to review before speaking at the trial. A sentence was passed months later and I was heavily disappointed in the results.

Spring of 2011 rolled by and I received news reports and messages from family about the release of my assailant.

And now here, in 2012, I'm writing this. Why? Because I want the world to know that I survived something that could have resulted in what could have been my rape, or my death. Not many people are vocal about the sexual abuse that are struck upon them and I hope to inspire people to not live their life in silence.

At the time of my assault I was 19 and I am now 24 and living happily and healthily. That isn't to say that all wounds heal with time. In fact, I have the scars and the ache in my head knowing that our justice system had failed me and that this monster who had beaten me senselessly could one day do it again. I will perhaps never find closure for what happened to me at all but I refuse to live in fear.

The last five years have lead me on a journey where many things were affected by what happened. From my relationships, friendships, decisions, and interactions. I can't change what happened to me, and I wish it never happened but it did and the best I can do is live with that life has given me and make the best of it.

And what is the best of it? Well in light of what happened, over 200 people that I knew (some I barely talked to,) had gathered to give me love and support. Although I knew these people cared about me, I never knew how much they loved me. I received flowers and messages from friends and strangers alike. These last five years have been some of the best of years because new and old friends have entered my life and have given me inspiration to look forward. I can honestly say that through the bad memories and scars, I still have never been happier than I am today thanks to everyone who has given me an ear, a shoulder to cry on and their continued support.